IGB Colloquium
GN – What made you decide to expose yourself to this assembly? Is it the urgency to solve a problem or the opportunity to test myself?
P – A bit of both (for the pleasure of meeting you, as I was able to meet the brilliant people who spoke at this conference), but also above all for a situation that I have avoided a lot and which is becoming urgent for me to deal with .
GN – Do you want to describe the problem or do you prefer that I ask you questions? what is your problem ?
P – it's with my mother, she likes organizing, owning relationships, people; it started when I met my husband and wanted a child...
P – it's with my mother, she likes organizing, owning relationships, people;
it started when I met my husband and wanted a child... I had an easy first pregnancy, but it ended in a miscarriage – my mother then told me: It's okay, I thought you were disabled, but now I know you're fertile.
Then, I had a more difficult second pregnancy (thanks in particular to a treatment); I had a lot of fears during my pregnancy, I felt terrified. My daughter was born and my mother said: “if I could breastfeed, I would take her”. She bought many (more) clothes for my daughter (than us). I tried to explain to him in a letter that I felt bad about this situation, but it didn't help at all. 16 months later, I had a baby boy. To protect myself and the pregnancy, I didn't tell my parents anything at all until my son was 3 months old. I haven't seen my father since, who disappointed me a lot, because he always defends my mother. My children are growing up, my daughter needs to see her grandparents, and I feel that she has this need.
GN – Good.
What brought you to expose yourself in public today, it is the urgency to solve a problem which makes you suffer with your mother. A problem that forced you to run away from her to protect your family. You consider her as someone dangerous for your children. She would have been able to steal your children (with the risk of desperately trying to get her children back, which can end tragically).
But it was supposed to last 3 months, and now it has been going on for 3 years. You continue to have this terror. You talked to your father about it, he protects your mother (he acts like a husband). She succeeds in stealing people, she stole your father (since he only acts as a husband and no longer as a father).
Your children must know their grandparents and you experience this in a dramatic way. But your mother can destroy everything you've built. You had to struggle. You have won an incredible battle with the difficulty of having children, and therefore the situation is all the more important for you. That's right ?
P – yes
GN – Good. You said that your attempt at a solution was running away, but I see it above all as an attempt to control the situation to save your family, do you agree with that?
P – yes
GN – the lioness must protect her cubs, against all dangers including those posed by other lionesses (because of rivalry). You protect your little ones.
P – yes
GN – but you would like to give them the opportunity to see their grandparents…
P – I tried to explain to her: I love her, but I can't stand certain things anymore… but she didn't understand anything and my father said to me: you've got it all wrong!
GN – would your dilemma be: how do I get my children to see their grandparents
without them breaking up my family?
P- (she nods)
GN – Do your children ask to see them?
P – they see them 3 or 4 times a month, with my husband, but they don't understand why I don't come.
GN – ah, very interesting.
The male lion brings the cubs to the older lioness and you don't go. And how is this done? and is that a problem?
P – above all a source of great sadness.
GN – and the male lion, when he brings the cubs to the older lions, what happens? the cubs get along well or not with the older lions?
P – at first they didn't get along too well… now it's a bit better…
GN – You have seen the “Lion King”. You remember the fear of the young lion. Why did he run away?
P – I don't remember too much, no…
GN – He is afraid of the evil lion and feels guilty for the death of his father. In the end, he comes back, decides to fight against the evil lion when he is unable to get out of it. He fights and wins against the evil lion. And that's when he realizes he's the strongest. (a time). And you, you were able to defend yourself, at the risk of being too far away, and to keep a good distance from all this, you need to go and fight the lioness.
P- (she nods)
GN – for at least 10 days, you will have to write 2 letters (1 to your father and 1 to your mother).
You write the worst things you've ever said to each of them. When it's written you seal them and send them to me in Arrezzo. At the end of these 10 days when you will have written the worst things, during the next few days, you and your family all together will go visit the old lions.
You will give them each a small gift, during a short visit of 5 minutes, no more. By looking them straight in the face, you will give them the small gift by telling them: I have discovered how in reality you have been so important to me; and then you will leave.
I would like you to experience that you are much stronger than you think. And by giving them a short regular visit and a small gift, you will be able to make them feel important to disarm them. OK ?
P-ok thank you.
Comment from GN to debrief the session:
It's a very emotional issue. It is a rational fear in an unordinary logic.
Every fear can only be lifted by transforming it into courage.
In the end, what struck me was that she herself felt stronger. Here she must conquer without fighting. The adversary must feel his natural superiority. There is here the construction of a ritual (the whole family, 1 little moment, 1 little gift) + a sentence (I discovered how important you were to me”).
So there is here the implementation of a perfectly proven technique and a tailor-made prescription just for her. It is indeed the challenge of the strategic therapist here to unite rigor with creativity (and vice versa).
