Illustrated case of remote therapy with parents
By Béatrice Giraudeau systemic and strategic therapist and hypnotherapist - Lact research partner - 06 09 37 85 65
Blog: sculpting your life - Site: Brief therapies and hypnosis
Remote therapy : for all people who are isolated, travel a lot, have a hectic lifestyle or who do not have access to the therapist of their choice near their home, I offer remote therapies via telephone or Skype . Except for hypnosis which I only practice face to face. See distance therapy in my brief therapies and hypnosis .
Systemic and strategic therapy : It is a revolution in psychotherapy, which does not seek to analyze the past, nor to understand its causes, but seeks to identify how the problem is maintained in the present, taking into account the complexity of the environment as well as the interaction of the people affected by the problem .
This systemic and strategic approach is above all a change therapy, oriented towards solving problems in the here and now. Change is permanent, even inevitable; it is the patient's gaze focused on his problem as well as all his unsuccessful and repeated attempts to solve it , which block the outcome of improvement and change.
The person "seeking help" is not always the one who "carries the symptom" , which represents 95% of cases in parent/child conflicts.
The systemic approach strives to find entry points and levers of intervention, and we will work preferentially with parents on interactions with their children, all the more so if the latter are adolescents, intrinsically mobilized. in opposition and resistance.
Forcing them to come does not facilitate the unblocking of the situation and designates them as being "the cause of the problem" , an aggravating factor of their resistance.
The problem
Names are fictitious to protect patient confidentiality.
I thank them for agreeing to give this testimony of their lives.
Mr. and Mrs. Brosseau are the parents of four children and contact me for violent conflicts with their eldest son, Nicolas 17 years old, with dropping out of school, addiction to cannabis and violent exchanges, both verbal and physical. Father and son have already come to blows. For six months, the parents have been "on edge", sleeping more and more badly and as much to say that they are desperate when they call me. They live in the south-west of France, and although reluctant at first, agree to try the experience of remote therapy over the phone, and to be the patients of this therapy. Nicolas being absolutely not asking for anything, they will somehow become their son's co-therapists without his knowledge.
Sessions _
These are excerpts from sessions containing the most explicit passages for the reader;
but also thereby very reducing the content of a session. The passages in italics are insights into how systemic and strategic therapy works. The problem was resolved in seven sessions (without any participation of their son).
First session
I want to know what the problem is, since when and how it manifests itself, who intervenes, who does what and says what to try to resolve these conflicts and this violent opposition of their son. I need to know the context, the relevant system (who is affected, who suffers, who complains, who interacts and intervenes...), the parents' worldview, the attempted solutions that maintain and aggravate the problem ; In a way, how was this escalation in the confrontation built?
The situation described by the parents : For two years, our 17 1/2-year-old son Nicolas has been totally demotivated since his first S, which he repeated, when he was a good student and worked hard until Second. He found himself in first ES, and began skipping class, smoking more and more cannabis, and refusing any parental authority. For 6 months, the situation has completely deteriorated, and since last week he is no longer at all in class.
He argues violently with us, gets up in the late afternoon and goes to bed in the early morning. He spends his life playing on his computer or going to his girlfriend's house. We have always been a united, loving family and there everything falls apart. Our three other children aged 14, 12 and 10 suffer from it and witness increasingly violent scenes every day. We called the teenagers' house, the town hall and social services, but all they could tell us was "Let him go, he's having his teenage crisis, it'll pass!" We are distraught because we have tried everything, nothing works. The situation completely escapes us.
"Someone who does nothing is a parasite"
The father : For six months, we have been on edge, we have been sleeping badly and if it continues, it will end badly...
Therapist : That means ending badly?
The father : I can't stand it anymore, the last time, we came to blows, and I feel that I no longer answer for anything....He's pushing us to the limit, it's going to end badly.
Mother : And since Monday, he doesn't want to go to school anymore, we don't know what to do....We're helpless
Therapist : And what did you tell him?
Father : Someone who does nothing is a parasite...
Mother : If you want to earn money, do well in school...
The father : Oh yes, because I have to tell you that for two or three years, Monsieur has wanted to be a billionaire! Burn the money! It's a well-built part of his house now.
Therapist : And how does your son plan to earn this money? Does he tell you about it?
The father : He wants to trade on the internet, it's nonsense, he knows nothing about it and it has become an obsession! We no longer recognize him.
Therapist : Indeed it must be very difficult for you, his parents, not to recognize your son anymore... It seems that he is very successful in pushing you to the limit... And what do you tell him about this stock market and this obsession to be rich?
Mother : Act! Without doing anything, nothing can be done!
Therapist : Yes, that sounds like reasonable logic, and what does he tell you?
The father : Oh he loses his temper, tells us that we don't understand anything and it quickly escalates into an argument, or he slams the door and leaves the house....
Therapist : And where is he going? You told me you live in a small village with not much around
The mother : He goes to his girlfriend, to his girlfriend's parents... He often sleeps there on weekends.
Therapist : And how are things with the girlfriend's parents? He also drives them crazy?
The mother : Oh no, at home everything is going well!
The father: And fortunately, because otherwise we would be too ashamed!
Therapist : Yes, so you have become his "favorite jerks"....
...
"Today, we don't do anything anymore, we have let go or almost... We don't have too much hope anymore"
Therapist : Since these two difficult years, I imagine that you have tried many things to put him back on the right track, can you enlighten me on the points of contention and what you have done and said to make him listen to reason?
Mother : Today, we don't do anything anymore, we have almost let go... We don't have too much hope anymore
The father : Yes, just that he leaves the house or there will be a drama...
Therapist : Yes, I hear your anger and your despair, we would be less.... But before at the very beginning?
The mother : Six months ago, for the summer holidays, he told us "No! I'm not going on vacation with you!" And that was really the start of the escalation
The father : We forced him to come, the trust was not enough to leave him the house, he behaves too badly
Therapist : And how did it go?
Father : In the end, there were some very good moments, even if he didn't admit it. We were able to breathe a little and get together with the family, a bit like before, but when we got home, it all started again.
...
"Yes, it looks like Nicolas has taken control of the relationship"
Therapist : And what are the points of contention that come up daily?
The father : As soon as he wants to go out and someone tells him "you'll be back at such a time!", conflicts break out and he leaves, slamming the door.
Therapist : And Nicolas respects the time? He gets in? Does the door stay open?
The father : Do you think, he does as he pleases, he comes home when he wants.... When we close the door, he goes through the window, and then we can't leave our son outside. full night; we told you today we capitulate.
The mother : Very often he sleeps at his girlfriend's house, and it reassures us to know that he is at their house and does not spend the night hanging out outside. But we sleep very badly, and my husband and I work hard and there we are exhausted. Not to mention that we have three other children and that we don't even have the time and energy to devote to them...Nicolas takes up all of our time.
Therapist : Yes, and I wonder what Nicolas thinks of himself right now? I'm talking about his school failure in first S when he was a very good student, his desire for freedom in this small village that had become far too small for his hormones as a young male that overwhelmed him, of his love affairs, not to mention the cannabis which "deludes him".... And then of all that he makes you live... His mother whom he makes cry so much he speaks badly to her, his father whom he brings out of his gongs by provoking him in a daily arm wrestling ... It looks like a cockfight, the youngest wanting to dethrone the oldest, without wanting to offend you Mr. Brosseau ....
All this cocktail, it must put his head upside down!.... And you loving parents who want to pass on your values to your children, you wanted to put his head back in the right place, and the more you wanted put it right side up, with all reasonable logic, the more it resists and the more unreasonable it becomes...Especially since in adolescence, parents must learn to change the rules of the game
Parents : But what should we do then?
Therapist : For this first session, I'm just asking you to think about it, will you?
Parents : Yes, we are already thinking about it....
Second session
She has a big surprise in store, especially concerning Nicolas' cannabis use, and I find Mrs. Brosseau in a cold, collapsed and exhausted anger by the events of this week, especially since she was alone to manage them, her husband having been on a business trip.
After a violent standoff with his mother, Nicolas - who does not have a driving license - stole the keys to his car and drove off to buy cigarettes. He had already made a first attempt and his mother had threatened to call the police if he dared try again; what she did very courageously, and the latter "picked" her driving at 165 km/hour with a positive saliva test and a blood test attesting to a very high rate of cannabis. Mr. and Mrs. Brosseau fall from above because they did not think that their son was so under the influence of this substance. The legal system is launched for Nicolas, summons and deposition at the police station, fingerprints, photos therefore "file" and summons before a child judge afterwards....
"I didn't tell him anything, I was closed, enough is enough"
Therapist : Well tell me, Nicolas does nothing by halves!
The mother : No, and it's not over... Imagine that he came back home very cool as if nothing had happened, accompanied by the gendarmes, and I was so ashamed!
Therapist : And what did you tell him?
The mother : I didn't tell him anything, nothing, I was closed. Enough is enough. In the evening at table, he was still laughing silly.
He was summoned to the police station on Friday morning. I took him away and there he said to me "it's too hard, you shouldn't have called the gendarmes", and I had to leave him alone to go and give his statement. I no longer had a choice, not only was he putting himself in danger, but he could cause an accident.
Therapist: Indeed, you had to protect him from himself, and it took a lot of courage for you to do what you told him you would do. Nicolas had to experience the consequences of his actions. But he's far too unreasonable right now to take notice.
...
Although having to submit to the law and face the consequences of his actions, we know from experience that unfortunately in most cases, this further aggravates the logic of confrontation with the teenager who starts again with renewed escalation, always harder. It is an attempt at an additional solution, in this case, that of society, which tries to "train" the young person in order to make him return to the right path.
Cannabis addiction, just like his dropping out of school, are attempts at a solution for Nicolas, an avoidance to escape his feelings of unease and failure and undoubtedly of inner suffering.
For the parents, the most fruitful path is to get out of this confrontation and find a more "fluid" relationship to renew the bond, which is unraveling as crises and everything they have put in place. to reason with their son. The task is not easy, because it is a question of operating a 180°, cornerstone of systemic and strategic therapy. My main lever of action and persuasion is the fact that the parents are at their wit's end and are ready to try anything to end this nightmare which sees their loving and united family exploding into a thousand pieces. .
I give them two prescriptions
1) A first ritual for everyone, 30 minutes every day of letters of anger and disappointment, even sadness and shame
These letters, which will be destroyed later, aim to empty and saturate these overwhelming emotions that fuel conflict.
Then when the emotions have subsided, we move on to the second prescription.
2) A strategic low position towards their son.
"Mr. Brosseau, it is to you that I am going to entrust this very delicate task and I warn you that it will put your head a little upside down, but I feel that you are ready and we are going to put an end to the cockfight ....Finally, very strategically, you will manage to make your son believe that he has won.As you are all going on vacation, you will find an opportune moment and you will tell him, in your own way, this:
"Look, kid, your mother and I thought it through after all these recent events, and you see, we weren't up to it... When we see all your latest behaviors, we don't recognize you anymore, and inevitably we tell ourselves that we missed something and that we were insufficient parents ..... We did not see that you were growing up and we remained glued to you, and now look where you are ... .etc."
You take good note of his reactions and walk away without further discussion. You will give him a little coat of it regularly, especially as soon as it gets hot, and you absolutely stop any attempt to reason with him. You will become unreasonable and unpredictable parents, it is high time to change the rules of the game and regain control of the relationship....
Third session
"Something has changed, it's still unspeakable, but change is on the way without Nicolas knowing...."
After a week of letters of anger and shame for M.Brosseau, he tells me that he can no longer "empty his bag" about his son and that it pains him too much to think of him with this anger and these reproaches. "I love my little one, it's too hard to always blame him..."
For Ms. Brosseau, the anger expressed quickly gave way to a great sadness that she had already felt for some time; she tells me that she cried a lot and feels empty. She breaks down and accuses the blow of all these months of struggle and powerlessness vis-à-vis the confrontations with her son. I ask them to stop these letters, which they have already done; They are ready to change their tune...
Nicolas had decided to go on a family vacation, and it went well. It should be noted that far from home, the holidays always allow a truce.
"But no dad, it's not you, it's me!"
The father : It's Wednesday evening, says Mr. Brosseau to me, I'm taking advantage of a lull during the holidays, I go ahead and give him your little tirade on insufficient parents...
Therapist : And?
The father : And Nicolas answered me: But no dad, it's not you, it's me!" It's the first time in so long that I've found my son... And next Monday, he wants to resume school.
Therapist : Bravo Mr. Brosseau! You have taken a big step, but know that Nicolas is like an injured athlete, you will have to slow him down to prevent him from hitting a wall. He will have to face the gaze of the students, his teachers, the headmaster, get up early, concentrate, especially since the cannabis has clouded his brain.... It could be a great pressure for your son, and he could very quickly give up. Brake it...
Relapse being part of the balance, it is essential to prepare Mr. and Mrs. Brosseau for new crises. We are in the infancy of change. Plus, curbing Nicolas "are you sure it's not too soon after everything you've been through?" will spare him the horrors of a new failure and a new spiral of avoidance.
Fourth session
"You do not like me!"
The conflicts started up again, Nicolas went back to school for an hour, then turned back.
Getting over your fears isn't easy, nor is getting back to the rhythm of class. Mrs. Brosseau having made an appointment with a lawyer to help her son at the next summons before the juvenile judge, Nicolas gets stressed and refuses to go. A standoff ensues with his father and Nicolas insults his parents and shouts at them "You are motherfuckers!".
Therapist : Ah yes, he put the dose! And what did you do Mr. Brosseau?
Father : A slap! I gave him a slap, it went away without my being able to control anything, I saw red!
Therapist : And Nicolas, how did he react?
Mother : He shouted "You don't love me!"
The father : We can't do it anymore, we have to find a solution, more insults, I hit him, it's becoming too dangerous.
Mother : I called his girlfriend's parents to warn them of our son's actions. He stays there every weekend, they have to know, it's our responsibility.
Therapist : I understand your dismay, especially after this little hint of hope and that's quite normal, but it's a nice relapse, a nice big relapse! And it is part of the balance, especially since at the moment everything is very fragile. I'm going to ask you both to prepare for the next crises, plan for them, and get back to your low position.
M.Brosseau, the next time your son calls you "fuckers", because he's going to start all over again at the first frustration and fear that comes along, you have to practice and you'll tell him: "No kid, you're way too nice with us, we are much worse than that!"
Father : It's not going to be easy!
Therapist : No, I know, but I believe you are quite capable of it, and a "little" letter of anger should relieve you and help you.
...
"Add logs to extinguish the fire"
The father : We must also tell you that his money story is worse than anything, he constantly asks us to participate with him on the internet, he believes in it hard as iron!
Therapist : And Nicolas asks you to contribute financially?
The father : Yes of course, all the time, he never leaves us with that
Therapist : And let me guess, you reason with it, don't you?
The father : Yes, of course, he left the ground....And that worries us a lot
Therapist : Mrs. Brosseau, you need rest right now, that's why I still turn to your husband, do you agree?
Mother : Oh yes!
Therapist : Mr. Brosseau, concerning your son's obsession with earning a lot of money on the internet on the stock market, I'm going to ask you to play a big game, is it the case to say so and to become more unreasonable than him? Do you feel ready?
Father : I'm getting to know you and I fear the worst (he says laughing)
Therapist : You are going to use a stratagem as old as the world, it is a question of "adding logs to put out the fire". The next time he talks to you about it, here's what you're going to say to him, always in your own way, resuming your strategic low position: "You're playing way too small! Do you really want to make some money? So there you go, with your mother, we thought about it, and we say to ourselves that we never really listened to you, that's why we thought that you needed our help and we decided to mortgage the house!"
Parents : No really? (and they burst out laughing)
Therapist : Yes, really, and that's not all.
Mr. Brosseau, you are going to make an appointment with an advisor from your bank to become an expert in stock market investment, and you are going to bring your son.
Father : He will never come!
Therapist : Probably, but that should calm him down...
Parents : We are starting to have fun indeed (and burst out laughing again)
Stratagems have many virtues. Not only are they very effective in creating 180° paradoxical situations, but they allow parents to become completely unpredictable for their children, thus breaking the vicious circle of confrontation and escalation. And icing on the cake, they allow parents to play down situations and find a smile and hope. I must say that for the 180° and the strategic low position, I was inspired by the nature of M.Brosseau: Imagine immersing yourself in the universe of Pagnol, the accent, the sun, the big heart, the sense of humor and derision. In this game of strategy, he will become a master...
Fifth session
"It's almost too good to believe"
The tone has changed, I find happy and hopeful parents; Nicolas has remobilized a bit like a broken automaton whose old worn-out batteries have been replaced.
The father: Since the last session, calm has returned to the house, Nicolas hardly talks about his obsession and his gambling
Therapist : (in a mischievous tone) Really? Does that mean you gave him your infernal little tirade?
The father : Yes and he remained speechless! He doesn't understand the kid anymore! I wanted to laugh but I held myself back
Mother : And my husband told her that he had to become an expert and that he had made an appointment with an adviser at the bank
Therapist : You really amaze me! And so Nicolas went to this appointment?
The father : No do you think, he backed off
Therapist : And you, Mr. Brosseau, did you go to that appointment?
Father : Of course! And I learned a little more about stock market investments. When I got home, I told my son about it.
Therapist : And...?
Father : And he mumbled I don't know what and went back to his room...It's almost too good to believe!
Therapist : Yes, change is on the way, but I can't tell you enough, relapse is part of the balance, you have to prepare for it daily.
"But why do you get up so early?"
The mother : But wait, that's not all, Nicolas gets up again every morning at 6 am, as if he were going to school. He goes there every day 1 hour here, 1 hour there...
Therapist : He is testing the waters, he is learning to walk again and it must not be easy for him to overcome his fears, to confront his teachers... Your son is courageous, but he is far too afraid of his failures.
The father : Yes and we are hallucinating, now he is talking about working! He wants to go work on the construction site of one of our very good friends.
Therapist : I hope you've slowed it down....
Parents : Yes, we told him "But why do you get up so early?"
Therapist : Excellent! You are great! And then he gets up or he went back to bed?
The father : (very proud of his son) No no, Nicolas worked on the site on Friday and Saturday, and he is going back next week. He even asked our friend to go there every day... And too bad for his studies, for the moment he has started living again.
Therapist : You are quite right, the most important thing is that he remobilizes himself and that he thinks that he has decided it alone. It will always be so much for Nicolas to resume his studies, including at 20, 30...Today, our life is no longer linear
And tell me, I think about it, concerning his cannabis consumption, he had to reduce it to succeed in working on a construction site?
Parents : That's what we think too, but we don't talk to him about it anymore...
Sixth session
"It's going so well that we were going to forget the appointment!"
It is always me who calls my patients, and I hear from their voices that they are surprised to hear me; They are on a little cloud, have regained their joie de vivre, especially Mrs. Brosseau who has passed a very difficult course between exhaustion and depression.
Parents : Hello Ms. Giraudeau, things are going so well that we almost forgot about the appointment!
Therapist : I'm rarely so delighted! Tell me, your voices are radiant!
The parents : Nicolas goes to the site every day! From 7:30 a.m. to 6 p.m.! He is serene, smiling, radiant, enterprising!
Father : And he's even remodeling his desk from when he was little... It's incredible!
Therapist : But you're going to make me cry if you continue there...I feel so happy about you!
Mother : And now he spends his weekends at home with his girlfriend
Therapist : So he's coming home, and with his girlfriend...Confidence is coming back, but stay alert and ready for a relapse. I know I'm repeating myself, but I wouldn't like the first altercation to make you fall down.
The father : Exactly, it failed and I went out into the garden so as not to get angry and reproach him
Therapist : It's a good reflex, tell me...
The father : Nicolas makes fries with his girlfriend at 3 p.m. in the afternoon! And meals are family!
Therapist : Yes I understand, but note that he is brave to make fries at 3 p.m.!
The mother: Finally, he is not fired from high school, he received the convocation of the white baccalaureate, but we do not expect him to go there...
The judicial system is in operation, and the judicial protection of the protection of minors will make an investigation.
Therapist : These will not be easy times for you or your son. Accompany him and identify the first signs of stress and fear in your son, he could "crash" again. Get ready to resume a strategic low position.
The situation is unblocked, and we are heading towards consolidation.
In systemic and strategic therapy, the prescription of relapse aims to prepare for the consolidation of change at several levels of intervention.
1) Prescribing relapse trivializes it and plays down the emotional reactions of the parents, and therefore indirectly those of their son Nicolas
2) To expect it as part of a balance, avoid wanting to go too fast, having too high expectations on the part of the parents, and thus minimize disappointments, while preserving their son from too much pressure on his shoulders.
Seventh and final session
"Life has regained its rights"
All is well with the Brosseau family. Nicolas is still working on the construction site of his parents' friend who is very satisfied with him. He is assiduous, courageous and has regained his joie de vivre. His studies are on "stand-by" but he is only 17 1/2 years old....
He has new projects in real estate and would like to train in the agency of the father of one of his friends. He is waiting for the training contract. We agree to close with this last session.
"But yes my darling, you will ask the judge how many times it will have to be watered!"
Therapist : How are you?
Parents : It's going well! Life has taken back its rights, our family is happy again!
Therapist : You see me delighted and what is the latest news?
The mother : We wanted to go on vacation for a week and we left Nicolas the choice to come or not "it's up to you"
Therapist : So you weren't afraid to leave the house to him anymore?
The father : No, we just asked him: "How do we do for the house?" And everything went well! Nicolas had mowed the lawn, the laundry was done, the cleaning too! He even kindly reproached us for not having called him more often....
Parents : And we told him we were very proud of him!
Therapist : He deserves it indeed
Father : Oh! there was still a little delirium on his part. Nicolas wanted to grow a patch of cannabis!
Therapist : And what did you tell him?
The father : Yes, my darling, you will ask the judge how many times you will have to water it!!!
Therapist : There you have outdone yourself!
Parents : Ms. Giraudeau, you saved six people, and we will be eternally grateful to you.
Therapist : Mr. and Mrs. Brosseau, I am very touched by your words, but know that you saved yourself, you did a phenomenal job and I take my hat off to you. Don't forget the strategies, the low position and the relapse. You know what I'm going to tell you again?
Parents in heart: Yes relapse is part of the balance!
Epilogue
A year has passed, and a few days ago I received this email entitled "Nouvelles des Brosseau".
Far from me, the idea of self-satisfaction, but it represents feedback and testimony to the effectiveness of systemic and strategic therapy.
It is therefore important that I communicate it, because it validates a consolidation of change, and testifies that chaos has given way to the movement of life.
Hello Madame Giraudeau,
Since we ceased our direct communications, the situation has progressed well. Nicolas has moved in with his friend, while waiting for the ideal job, he carries out temporary assignments, certainly off-putting but failing that, remunerative, a guarantee of autonomy. We have rediscovered relationships full of love. "Exotic" ideas still inhabit his still tormented mind, but the lives of all 6 of us have changed a lot.
He just missed his license for the 3rd time, which cuts off work and vacation opportunities, but we'll get through that.
We would like to thank you again for your life-saving help without which our family would perhaps no longer be one.
With all our thanks
Mr and Mrs Brosseau
